I’m Feeling 22: 22 Lessons After 22 Years of Marriage
My husband and I celebrated 22 years of marriage recently.
Reaching a significant milestone with anything can be a bit mind-bending, but then to surpass that milestone is even a bit more trippy.
I studied one of our engagement photos the morning of our anniversary. I admired our youth outlined by the gold embellished frame and tried my best to remember the hopes and dreams we had back then.
While I couldn’t quite time travel to the past, I was able to confirm with 100% certainty that neither of us saw what lay ahead. We never could have anticipated the joyous surprises, the scary and sometimes breathtaking lows, or the ambitions that blossomed as we ourselves evolved and changed.
To me, marriage anniversaries may just be the most significant to celebrate because of the enduring commitment we’ve made to navigate those ups and downs together.
To honor this 22-year anniversary, I reflected not only on the experiences and accomplishments we’ve navigated over more than two decades together, but I dug a bit deeper to consider what I’ve learned from this relationship and what lessons I’d want to pass on to our kids. (I shared five tips for a successful marriage back in 2021, all of which remain true today and are included in my list below!)
Be Encouraging
I used to be critical AF, of others and myself. I’m so glad I’ve matured away from that behavior. My hubs has been incredibly supportive and encouraging of me no matter what and I’ve learned over time that it’s a far better way to be in a relationship…not just with a spouse, but with anyone really.
Offer Space
We give each other the space to be who we are and pursue things independently. We were two “me’s” before we were a “we,” and continuing to acknowledge and honor the need for our autonomy within the context of our partnership is vital to our relationship.
Genuinely Give Thanks
Since Day 1, we’ve appreciated the smallest of things the other does. From taking out the trash to paying the bills and more, we honestly give thanks…and OFTEN. We don’t subscribe to the I-shouldn’t-have-to-thank-you-for-doing-normal-life-tasks perspective. We work hard to see each and every contribution and take a moment to speak our gratitude for them all.
Communicate Your Needs
Communication is essential for relationships to work. I have been very clear about my needs, frustrations, and worries and try to do so in a way that meets my partner where he is. Communication is an art and it’s just as much about listening as it is speaking. From schedule coordination to deep thinking, communication is key to understanding each other and getting the support we need.
Act as a Team
We balance each other out. We recognize and accept neither of us is perfect at all things so we try to leverage each other’s strengths to our advantage to make our “team” the best it can be. From a mystery medical issue and pregnancy struggles, to job pivots, international relocations, and more, we’ve believed in each other and our collective ability to figure things out along the way. (And when we deviate and feel like we’re on opposing sides, it’s up to us to remember that WE can only win the game…together.)
Accept That You’re NOT Always Right
I have to be honest and say I often think I have great ideas. And 22 years ago, I surely thought I was right most of the time. 😉 But I’ve obviously matured a lot since then and have wised up to the fact that we each have our moments of being right and wrong…even though I still think I’m right more often. 😂
Understand Your Partner is Only Part of Your Equation
While I do consider my spouse to be my best friend, he’s not my everything. I’m not sure I got that early on, but I’ve wised up over the years. Our relationship thrives when we respect the limits of our relationship and get other needs met from other relationships, accordingly. My circle is wide and I’m grateful to have varying relationships to support me.
Assume Best Intent
So often we tell ourselves we know the motives of our partner and we act on those assumptions/beliefs. And many times those assumptions are negative. I’ve come to learn that I’m happier when I assume best intent rather than the worst. And doing so helps us have more productive discussions, too.
Disagree Better
Disagreement is healthy, provided both parties are safe and have the freedom to engage/disengage, as necessary. One person may need time away to regulate themselves, while another partner wants to discuss everything in the heat of the moment. It takes time to learn how we work independently versus together and to make space for compromise so that we can have productive discord.
Connection is More Important Than Being Right
Speaking of disagreements, all too often we engage in discord that’s an attempt to prove someone wrong and another right. I’ve learned that connecting to my partner is way more important than being right. It’s like Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand then to be understood.”
Don’t Be Coy
Many women expect their partner to know what they need and get upset when their expectation isn’t met. I’ve learned to simply ask for what I need and I usually get it. And if I can’t get it for some reason, I am in full awareness of why I can’t, or of my choice to prioritize something else for the time being.
Seek to Do No Harm
We all get stressed and can engage our partners from a space of disappointment, irritation, anger, fear, and resentment. I’ve done this too many times to count and have caused pain when it could have been avoided. I now aim to pause and regulate my emotions before engaging in a potentially dicey topic, regardless of whether that takes minutes or days. (And I don’t do the silent treatment. I simply explain that I need to think through my thoughts before discussing that particular topic because I want to do it compassionately vs reactively.)
Be Open to Feedback
We are constantly changing, as are our priorities and responsibilities. To that end, we must remain students of our relationship and be attuned to when it needs fine tuning or evolution. Be willing to give your partner feedback in a sincere and thoughtful way. Just remember to be equally as open as you’d wish them to be. Feedback should be delivered with a loving heart in order to connect and grow together.
Acknowledge Strengths and Weaknesses
In a similar vein as feedback, we do a great job in our home of acknowledging our unique contributions and how they help us be a team. For example, I make a mess when I cook. I’m great at managing our finances. And I can easily get distracted when cleaning the house. My husband is super focused. He’s a stellar researcher. And he’s not so great with money. When we started to get honest with ourselves and each other about our “zones of genius,” it was much easier to designate responsibilities and get out of each other’s way.
Challenge Your Stories
Our brains are thought-making machines. One thought leads to another thought that leads to an entire narrative. What’s worse about this is that our brain can generate these narratives in literal seconds and we often act on them as if they’re true. Look, as a life coach, I’m not immune to the stories my brain conjures up about my partner’s intentions or rationale. But the tool that I have to keep my relationship in tact is to pause before assuming my stories are true. I inspect them. I challenge them. And I get curious about other perspectives I may be missing so that I don’t react or live in a space of accusation and resentment.
Support One Another
Our interests and pursuits change as we navigate life. And sometimes, we or our partner will have a pie-in-the-sky dream. We are supportive of nearly every single dream the other has, no matter what because we know that it’s about the journey more than the destination and that, together, we can figure out our way to “yes.”
Show Interest
We each enjoy things that the other doesn’t. For example, I’m into self-help, psychology, and photography. And my hubs is into weather, geography, and presidential history. We each show support for what the other cares about, including inquiring about events or sharing articles that we think they may appreciate. We don’t take an I-couldn’t-care-less attitude about the other’s interests, but rather an I-love-that-you-love-xyz perspective that helps us be at least minimally engaged to show that what matters to them matters to us.
Share Deeply
Life is full of responsibilities and normal day-to-day tasks that we know need to get done. Our relationship commits to not just the mundane, but also the deep. My husband and I share our political views, our values and belief systems, and how we want to intentionally and collaboratively raising our kids. We make time for talking about things that move the needle, but also our spirits.
Embrace the Difficulties
We have experienced a number of challenges and difficulties in our time together. But it wasn’t until I became a life coach that I started to view those hard times through a different lens. Rather than seeing the hard times as setbacks or as experiences we shouldn’t have to go through, I do my best to center the experience on ourselves and see WHO we are choosing to be through the experience. Seeing challenges now as opportunities has been a game changer for us both.
Opt In for Discomfort
Relationships can become complacent and monotonous. It can feel uncomfortable to approach our partner’s in a fresh, even vulnerable way. We’ve come to see that discomfort is not the same as fear. And we choose discomfort in the name of connection and growth, because we know we deserve the beauty awaiting on the other side, both individually and collectively.
Be at Choice
I can’t count how many times my husband and I have had to make hard decisions. From potential relocations and career changes, to financial investments/losses, medical scares, and more, we’ve often had to evaluate choices through the lens of our values and/or what we want for our future selves. Those decisions can be fraught with anxiety and fear if we lose sight of our power of choice. We are always at choice of how we feel about a situation, even if we don’t choose the situation itself.
Consistently Choose Love
I remember vividly a time when my daughter had done something and she was so scared to tell me. She eventually shared that she thought I wouldn’t love her anymore or that my disappointment would mean I didn’t love her. And I remember the confusion and subsequent relief on her face when I told her love is not just an emotion, but also a choice. As I choose to love my child, I choose to love my partner. Love is a much better motivator and leader than shame, guilt, or resentment ever could be. And what is unconditional love if not a choice?
It’s hard not to marvel at the journey my spouse and I have taken together. Like any long-term relationship, it’s been filled with highs, lows, moments of growth, and deepening love. Two decades may feel like a lifetime, but it’s also just the beginning when you think about a lifelong partnership.
Not only am I in relationship with my partner, but that relationship yields information about myself. As Kelly Martin said, “A relationship is a mirror. It reflects ease or challenge depending on what it is here to teach us.” Through the push and pull of any relationship, especially a marriage, we’ll always be invited to see what it reveals about ourselves, but only if we’re willing to see it.
Here’s to 22 years of lessons, growth, and love—and to many more years ahead.
